complicated melody’s blog

Is there a point to rehabilitation?  Is the concept of rehabilitation applicable to multiple parts of one's life?

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about redefining the terms of my life.  But, how can I do this without rehabilitation?  I know that when you think of rehabilitation you typically think of drug recovery or physical recovery.  I'm starting to learn that some phases of life require this same type of mental recovery.

Since my college years, I have been in a lot of situations that has caused a certain outlook on life.  As this sometimes destructive outlook developed, I would always tell myself that when certain life conditions arose life would be better.  But, as time passes, I have realized that it is not that simple.  Why is that?

For me, the answer was difficult to discover yet is very simple.  I have learned that while simular events may happen in life, your reactions evolve as you mature.  Wow!  Such a powerful discovery......

I believe that people and situations enter my life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  Over the past couple of weeks, I have been in the mist of a distinct season change.  I've decided to change jobs, I've said goodbye to a love, and I've made peace with my outlook on love.  I truly must say that, with all these changes, I feel so many things.  Of course, I am very happy and feel like I have taken a giant leap in the correct direction.  But, a part of me is sad because I am mourning.  I am mourning because I'm no longer holding on to the comfort of past pain and I am afraid of what the future brings.  But my comfort has also been in the fact that the future brings so much chance, change, and promise.

So, yeah, I had to say goodbye to my beautiful Greek Gamer God(Goddesss).  Yes, he was beautiful.  Yes, he was kind.  But, he was also selfish, uncomfortable with change, and wanted something very different from me.  I ran across a quote a couple of weeks ago that completely resonated with me.  It said...."Never make someone a priority when they are only willing to make you an option".  Now, I am soo upset with myself.  I can not fucking believe that I even temporarily accepted this selfish and one-sided proposal with an individual that was solely concerned about himself.  I AM FUCKING BETTER THAN THAT!  I will always remember my worth.  No one will EVER devalue me again.  Ever!

Andy.....I am still trying to make complete peace with that situation.  I love him.  I will always love him in some form.  It is hard for me to admit it but it did really affect me when he told me that he felt that a relationship and a friendship was not in the cards for us.  Okay, I can understand a relationship.  I happen to agree with that one.  But, a friendship?  WHAT DID I DO SOO FUCKING WRONG TO DESERVE THIS?  He did some pretty foul shit to me over the past two years.  But, what about the good times?  Does he remember the good times?  Does he remember looking into my eyes?  Does he remember the moments of safety and love?  Or, was I experiencing this by myself?  Again, with all this said, I am determined to work with what I have and move on.  I mean it!  I'm gonna keep moving.  So, Andy, I love you but you are now and forever my past.

What will this new season bring?  The simple answer is that I have no idea.  But, it has already taught me that self-confidence, knowing my self-worth, and following my dreams are of great importance.  It has also taught me that a spiritual presence to be my guide.  I know that it may be difficult at times but one thing about seasons is that, if you wait awhile, they change. 

Today I had lunch with a past(current) love.  As you can probably imagine, I am so full.  I don't regret meeting him today, but I question the timing.  Let me start from the beginning...

I sent my ex an invite to lunch last week.  He has really been on my mind a lot lately and something was really pulling me to him.  Part of me wanted to share the joy of me just landing a new job.....part of me wanted to prove to him that I am a different person....part of me wanted to just tell him that I love him and that I have never stopped loving him despite what this last year has brought.

Last night, I stressed before bed about this meeting.  After praying earlier in the week, I decided that I should keep the topics of conversation away from our failed relationship and instead guide the conversation towards the future and what I means for us.  I was settled that this was safe.

After today, I will say that it confirms that when you try to control a situation you may be missing an intended blessing.  Today's conversation just flowed organically and was very natural.  The funny part was that we touched subjects that influenced me without my control.  How can this be? 

I feel a little funny because I feel that part of the time I was trying to prove that I was a different and more mature person.  A part of me feels that this is natural when coming back in contact with a member from your past.  However, this behavior is in direct conflict with the personal growth that I am seeking.

In summary, I entitled this entry "Ordinary People" because I have realized that the people you judge are ordinary people just like you.......more to come today.....so full....

This evening was spent viewing an excellent movie entitled "The Bubble".  WOW!  I can't even begin to relay exactly how amazing this film was.  The movie is about three young Israelis (two gay guys and a girl) living together in this trendy Tel-Aviv neighborhood.  This neighborhood, like many of the in town Atlanta neighborhoods, was a liberal island.  Island can be good because you are cut off from the influence of outside factors.  However, when a storm approaches or an invader comes, a lot of times it comes as a shock or yields a devastating blow.  There will be more about this topic after I chew on it a while.....on to other topics.....

Lately I've been learning to listen to myself and trust my feelings about situations.  Since I know myself the best, one would think that this is the easiest thing in the world.  But, the sad truth is that indeed this is false!  Trusting my feelings and not feeling guilty or being strong enough to see the greater good or the bigger picture is soooo hard.  This weekend I found myself in a situation that I am not so sure will have a fairy tale ending (which is not particularly bad).  The sad thing is that I saw this coming from the day I got to know this guy.  I fuckin knew that certain boundaries could/should not be crossed.  So, what did I do?  I crossed the shit with a giant ass leap! ~shakes head~

Why?  Now I sit here feeling like the teenage girl that lost your virginity to the highschool football team stud and he never called her back.  Don't get me wrong!  I think that this guy is great and I have every bit of confidence that he will act with integrity; however, he expressed his intentions from the beginning.  I heard him!  I understood him! And, on Friday night, I disregarded what he said and how I feel and had sex :(.  Please don't miss read me.  Yes, sometimes I can be a huge horn-ball.  But this wasn't the case.  I met a beautiful, date-able, Greek guy that I was sooo attracted to.  The problem was that he was beautiful and I was attracted but he wasn't date-able(and this was made clear from the beginning).  I totally went along with it because I am so lonely(hard to admit....but true!) and miss the touch of another, even if it is a lie.....GOD, I am starting to sound like a gay version of a Lifetime movie drama.  What a way to start this blog!  I promise that all posts won't be this lame.  But, this is what is on my mind tonight and i'm trying to keep it real.....